course 101 in spiritual ruin

So here i am in slightly better shape than yesterday, though my head still hurts after days of indulgence which exceeded all others previously. I feel somewhat chagrined to note that I do these things in a kind of penance, to earn my karmic stripes of a sort. I've always held this belief that suffering makes people more intricate as a personality, that kind of hidden darkness behind the wry smile has always appealed to me.

The indulgence has often come from a sense of guilt though I haven't quite found out what I feel guilty about yet, everything I guess, but then nothing as well. Its funny though but this whole atonement through self destruction is kind of redundant when I really need to be reconciling with myself. The thing is though there has always been a sense of clarity and perspective afterwards, an energy to assist the deconstruction and renewal of aspects of myself that I don't like.

I've taken it too far now. I've learnt.