help.

its curious how i only feel compelled to update whilst i am in the throes of angst and the like. whether my creativity or communication is reduced by the proportionate happiness in my life? i am sure there is a mathematic equation that could be done but i have never been one for maths, too much sterility for my liking.

almost everyday for years now i have felt an oppressive vice like grip of control influencing the way i am supposed to behave and act. maybe for all my life but i guess you don't quite notice it 'til later. its this guiding force telling you what is apparently right, what my values are supposed to be, who i am or destined to be. i often take stock of my surrounds and just laugh at the absurdity of what we take as normal. i can't really specify what it is, its more a sense or a concept that things just aren't right. all these laws, rules, regulations, religions, categories all just pushing and pushing to create a representation of what is a good and just person. it feels like all this attention to detail and all the answers for the sense of rightness has buried what actually mattered.

so with wondering if an option out of a range of options chosen, does that constitute free will? i am not so sure anymore but at the same time i find solace in the idea of fate. i am still trying to figure out if that is contradictory or not.


have been thinking about the routines i have found myself in and i think quite potentially a person could find themselves in a routine unto death. i am supposed to be doing something aren't i?.......

le sigh.

this journal is in a constant state of flux. by flux, i mean removal of entries. i guess that's what makes it most appealing vs. the paper journal. i'll keep starting over 'til my outcries align with my insides. tell me that you understand what i mean when i say that i don't want to write my age.

i've been saying for a while now that there's nothing left for me here. by here, i mean melbourne. post-vacation bliss aside, i've got to breathe deep and be patient and do everything i can to make sure these next few months or so are productive. getting my dream job isn't a given and neither is moving country-- none of it is going to be, well, a holiday. but i can just imagine those sidewalk cafes in the summer. and having a bicycle. and rose gardens all in bloom. and spending countless hours at bookstores, where you actually need a map to get around. and riding the buses, too, because they paste poetry snippets on the walls. and can't you see now, why i belong there?

magister amoris

"Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim"
(Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.)
-Ovid

smaller things:
hello life.
goodbye ampersands.
spit it out as it comes, even if its just a sentence. or a fragment. or a word.

la danse dans le vent

still tangled hair all of the time and i can never really catch up on sleep or spend money slowly enough to save any. i'm completely brimming over with bliss right now, so much so that i can't write a thing-- but that's more than alright for now.

all cracked up on the highway.

if everything seems so much clearer in hindsight, is it possible to reach that understanding prior to having to suffer the misfortunes of a poor judgment?

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't content, but there's always this gnawing feeling that i have to work to overlook my doubts. i wish somebody could effectively convince me that relationships aren't bullshit at this age. everybody lies to each other, everybody's looking around to see what else there is, everybody's biding time-- maybe it's just a matter of whether you choose to care or notice? am i too cynical? is my life too cyclical?

i'm due for an acid trip, if only to turn my brain on its side for a while. i'll come find the words, grab onto them by the fistful.

wistful progression

the oft-repeated line in my life is "you don't know what you want", spoken by virtually anyone who has been made witness to my musings and motions for an extended (though a day would probably suffice) period of time. i do know what i want, but it keeps changing. i don't see why i ought to keep still when hardly anything presents itself as obvious. i'm often either underwhelmed or overstimulated; in transition or in limbo. there's no proper sense of pacing here, just patterns that exist but can't be mapped-- at least, not by me.

i want to create something spectacular, is all.

immerse your soul with love

i'm sick to death of having incredibly bad luck recently. the past few weeks have been some of the best despite all this 'luck' i seem to be lacking. testing, very testing. failing to keep in control but memories and the best thing of the past three years being nearly repaired to where i am comfortable. mixed emotions and wondering what i want, but this is all i want for now and i can't wait for summer.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." - Stephen Chbosky, The perks of being a wallflower

i believe this is the strangest thunder i have ever heard.

I'm trying to be smart. I'm trying to be patient and not repeat mistakes. Don't think so much. I’m trying not to stress. Less anxiety. Read things once and then not again. They probably thought what you first thought anyway. Don't think so much.

I am finally over it. It took a few weeks, but I made it. I’m back in my little independent zen bubble where typical frustrations don’t phase me.

Its only when other people get near my bubble that vexation enters my little realm of calm. Now I have greater understanding & knowledge that I do not want to let myself forget.

- Don't expect the same virtues/attributes from others that you would from yourself. A person's word is worthless until they prove themselves. Likewise don't trust anyone until you have witnessed firsthand behaviours which show the person is trustworthy.

- Keep your secrets close; a friend you confess to today may not be your friend tomorrow. Unspoken secrets tend to remain that way.
When in doubt keep your mouth shut. Too much damage can be done blabbing away trying to fix a situation. If you must say something, remember to breathe as it gives you pause for thought. Everyone is just as socially paranoid as the next person. Everyone has insecurities don't think you are alone and as such don't let peoples judgments colour your perception of self.



I've had my say, ive sent karmic kernels hurtling out into the great big fish bowl of the unknown & gotten no response, i'm done now.

j'aime et j'espere

When the clock strikes me the big hand will realize the grandeur of it's illusion and will begin to shrink in it's own eyes while the little hand marvels at the ball of energy spinning from it's palm. When the clock strikes me, everything will stop and that which was nothing will become the beginning again. When the clock strikes me, numbers will backfire, symbols will become that which they symbolize and sayings like 'out of the blue' will reveal their hidden origin. When the clock strikes me, people will gather to reconstruct the myths and fables that conspired against them and every new song will be an antiviris for an old belief. When the clock strikes me, women will close their doors, jump, dance and bang the walls in rememberance of their future selves while men fight internally to recall the recipe for freedom. When the clock strikes me, men will recall the recipe for freedom and will begin to form rescue teams for dreams defeated. When the clock strikes me, some people will have to die. When the clock strikes me, children will find it cool to be playful and adults will find it worthwhile to play like children. When the clock strikes me, the story of Jesus will be a childrens story where his name will be replaced with the name of every newborn and families will celebrate every birth as the rebirth of the messiah and all people will think of all people as chosen. When the clock strikes me, Buddah will still be laughing. When the clock strikes me, the power of being will overpower the powers that be. When the clock strikes me, thugs and poets will laugh at themselves, businessmen will serve humanity, leaders will turn to their mothers for advice and mothers will turn to their daughters for inspiration. When the clock strikes me, something will be different, something will feel completley random, the moment will feel slightly eerie, the unexpected will change places with the predictable and life will truly feel like an adventure. When the clock strikes me, no alarm will sound green streaks of light, may mark the night, stray cats may purr and rub themselves against your ankle, many people will double blink and pinch themselves and those who normally don't will notice the moon in broad daylight. When the clock strikes me, it will strike you too and even your cyniscm and concrete analysis will be brought into question as the most beautiful stranger makes himself / herself known to you. When the clock strikes me, your loved ones will glow with the beauty of complete strangers and you will have to reintroduce yourself to your parents for they will have never met the side of you that dances just because you found an old recipe. When the clock strikes me, you will be sitting someplace alone or with another, reading this and we both go off, unexpectedly, spines will tingle, eyes will water and this moment on this plane in my favorite jeans with 'Jimi' blaring in my ears will become now and forevermore and more eyes will water for they will know and they will feel it and live it and they will turn to the stranger beside them and say 'you have to read' and this will go down in history as one of those moments when you know that nothing would ever be the same.

Do you still see soul in my eyes?


I don't know what i am doing. I mean i sort of know but it doesn't really make a lot of sense and having seen someone go through a similiar situation i realise how stupid it looks from the outside. Made worse by the fact that i have realised just how far away i am from love right now.