help.

its curious how i only feel compelled to update whilst i am in the throes of angst and the like. whether my creativity or communication is reduced by the proportionate happiness in my life? i am sure there is a mathematic equation that could be done but i have never been one for maths, too much sterility for my liking.

almost everyday for years now i have felt an oppressive vice like grip of control influencing the way i am supposed to behave and act. maybe for all my life but i guess you don't quite notice it 'til later. its this guiding force telling you what is apparently right, what my values are supposed to be, who i am or destined to be. i often take stock of my surrounds and just laugh at the absurdity of what we take as normal. i can't really specify what it is, its more a sense or a concept that things just aren't right. all these laws, rules, regulations, religions, categories all just pushing and pushing to create a representation of what is a good and just person. it feels like all this attention to detail and all the answers for the sense of rightness has buried what actually mattered.

so with wondering if an option out of a range of options chosen, does that constitute free will? i am not so sure anymore but at the same time i find solace in the idea of fate. i am still trying to figure out if that is contradictory or not.


have been thinking about the routines i have found myself in and i think quite potentially a person could find themselves in a routine unto death. i am supposed to be doing something aren't i?.......