will you die happy?

three passions have governed my life:

the longings for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.

love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness. in the union of love i have seen in a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined. with equal passion i have sought knowledge. i have wished to understand the hearts of others. i have wished to know why the stars shine.

love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens, but always pity brought me back to earth; cries of pain reverberated in my heart of children in famine, of victims tortured and of old people left helpless. i long to alleviate the evil, but i cannot, and i too suffer. i will keep trying.

this has been my life; i find it worth living.

sometimes words are just enough

take it while it comes because it don't last long
hesitate and the moments gone
run in the rain and howl at the moon
fall in love way too soon
take my hand as the music starts
and we'll dance to the beat of your heart

i know you stumble down that road
trembling from the cold
but this heart, this love can save you
it can save you

i.will.dance.to.the.beat.of.your.heart.

over the knee socks

im glad i've found a friend in the same suburb. im blessed

rumours

thankyou stranger for your therapeutic smile





i'm feeling very unsure of myself today. i'm afraid of how my intentions will be perceived. i will force myself to step back and detach because i can no longer wrap myself in this situation. the last week has been tinted with a sheen of concern thats weighed heavily on my soul.

.....and i guess thats why the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

when you google my name

another wasted night

our noses aren't actually this big in real life

thursday nights.

sometimes, i paint

is tinier a word?

hangover days on karli and lisas couch.

the little engine that could

where did innocence go?
2006 bang.

remember when you were going to walk? its amazing the things you can achieve when you have a friend encouraging and giving you a little push. you were going to walk, you should have just run. never in my wildest dreams did i think i would end up where i am at present. in one respect i am thankful for lessons learnt, if i apply the same method to other aspects in my life i could achieve the world. in the other, i just want my ignorance back.

i hear you like a rhythm

i swear faith is a portal to another plane of existence, i never quite understand what is going on there. so yep another peculiar night. not sure what state i will be in at work tonight since i have had about four hours sleep. four hours is probably heaps actually considering im not hungover.

if you play with fire kirrily, you will get burnt.

take one.

blissfully drowning in the spillway of your presence

there's bloodstains on the dancefloor and it's dripping from the lips of another jealous mouth.




thursday was as ever an enlightening evening. it never ceases to amaze me, the harmonics of the interaction of personalities hums along at such an unusual frequency. i can't really say that the night sucked though in most respects it did, however i guess i wouldnt't really remember anyway. even as much as some people irritate me to a degree i still find them all so fascinating. have been placed in yet another situation that i don't know what i am going to do about. offers on the table but i am unsure about how that will all pan out.

--accidentally let my writing mojo go through the wash so i can only write in stunted sentences.

the real world

smiling from the inside out

completely brimming over with bliss. meow



also;

my second home

duffy & abigale.

because i see your freckles

i never really liked you, i just want what i cant have.




if i were queen i'd lock up your loveless lips and turn your vile hips into sinking ships. if i were a bee i'd make you my hive and i'd dive right into your skin of golden lights. i'm just a clementine, one that they are quickly to mistake for an orange. believe what you choose, what you want isn't right for you.

ive only been in love once, i thought you'd come back anyway. i really need to start giving people a chance, theres plenty of fellas chasing (freaks aside). i had no intention of even getting to know you before you tripped me. i.fell.hard. stick out your foot, im waiting..

amazing

life.

i really need to stop being such a drama queen.

fuck you

jesus christ, that's a pretty face
the kind you'd find on someone that could save
if they don't put me away
well, it'll be a miracle

do you believe you're missing out
that everything good is happening somewhere else?
but with nobody in your bed
the night's hard to get through

and i will die all alone
and when i arrive i won't know anyone

well, jesus christ, i'm alone again
so what did you do those three days you were dead?
'cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

well, jesus christ, i'm not scared to die,
i'm a little bit scared of what comes after
do i get the gold chariot?
do i float through the ceiling?

do i divide and fall apart?
'cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
and the ship went down in sight of land
and at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

i know you're coming in the night like a thief
but i've had some time, o lord, to hone my lying technique
i know you think that i'm someone you can trust
but i'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up

so do you think that we could work out a sign
so i'll know it's you and that it's over so i won't even try

i know you're coming for the people like me
but we all got wood and nails
and we turn out hate in factories
we all got wood and nails
and we turn out hate in factories
we all got wood and nails
and we sleep inside of this machine

fairytales

i don't live in the real world, but thats more than okay for now.
i. am. so. happy.

transparent

somebody very important to me made an observation about a barren wasteland. sometimes it seems that you just forget what you are capable of and resign yourself to a... to a sense of dependable emotion. fuck i don't know why it is so hard to articulate these things recently. easier to say that it is more comfortable not to be seen sometimes.

they said

what keeps you alive?

"we either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. the amount of work is the same"
-don juan matus



there was a scottish man who lived on the folkland islands, investigating penguins for 2 years. at the end of his studies, he concluded that there had been a huge deterioration in the number of penguins living upon the island since the folklands war. he brought his findings to the government. they told him that he must have been mistaken and demanded he leave the island immediately and cancelled his visa. he said that his findings were a danger to the reputation of the islands for tourism. he left for a remote part of Patagonia.

around his house is a large steel fence with barbed wire on the top. he tells a reporter that he believes the folklan government is attempting to assassinate him for his endeavors. inside are video screens captured from the cameras that adorn his house. at night he watches the cameras with strict attention, guns stacked around him. 'can never be too safe', he says, 'but i adore these penguins, wouldn't swap this life for the world'.


i've thought often of this man; in a remote part of the world, silently waiting for the end to come while gazing out at the desolate landscapes before him through a video monitor, alone with his penguins.

sometimes work is just really fun

bare white dawn

"let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to centrelink benefits and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives... and to the "good life", whatever it is and wherever it happens to be."

i hate sleep. and wake. and anything in-between, really anything that causes me to become tired, which forces me into sleep, which is inevitably disturbed by wake, and thus the cycle of bitterness and resentment continues.

fuck. these. nightmares.

who needs a boyfriend.

the letter j

i am no longer with him but not longing to be with you. my head is dizzying in different directions and my heart is sinking to my feet. where do i go? what direction do i take for this adventure? yesterday was amazing. smoking, dreaming, seeing, existing, living. i'm slowly regaining touch. i need to maintain the level of busyness that will not allow my mind to falter. unspoken rules never work. under the blanket of inebriation old mistakes and stupid desires resurface. everything seems brighter in the dark of the night. relationships get to a point where there is just too much hurt to go back. six months of hell. learning curb. no more letter j's. i am single. just one. and ready for a new take on life.

cut your losses

i am really sad today.

be drunk

"you must be always drunk. it is the only way. so as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you must be continually drunk. but on what? drunk on wine, on poetry or on virtue, as you wish. but be drunk."

summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. a few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all is right with the world.

the beautiful

don't give me flowers,
flowers eventually die,
and i see signs in everything.
don't give me chocolate,
it gives me stomachaches,
and i see signs in everything.
diamonds?
people die trying to find them.
call me atypical,
but all i want is your kiss,
indoors and out.
morning, noon and night.
kiss me in the rain
or on my doorstep while judy garland sings in the background.
"somewhere over the rainbow
way up high
there's a land that i heard of
once in a lullaby."
i see signs in everything.

the last drops of '08

'you couldn't see that life is only given to those who cry,
to those who love, and have been loved.
and if you refuse yourself to passion, you
will lose yourself to madness'
-Vinicius de Moraes


what drives us is purpose. colours, songs, dance, movement, people, intimacy, laughter, creation, kindness. i will grow. i must grow. there is no other way...i'm ready to leave all these bad things behind, now, and live for poetry in everyday life, to conquer my demons. you always underestimate your own strength. last year the mice had started to dream beside me, the fairies had began to quieten. all the ferns had fallen away but by now i had had enough to camouflage my tent. nothing is more intimate than being alone with your thoughts night by night, left to confront them in the deserts of the heart. there are nights i gave in to what took me away; solitude, loneliness, the fear of being caught. other nights, i thought it tooth by tooth, severed off the veins of the night and sat out under the moon, listening to the melody of the woods laughing hysterically at how strong i felt in this life, immersed in what was once impossible.

i don't know how strength comes and goes like that.

in the belly of the whale, i begin to climb out. i'm ready to leave again, now, i'm so thirsty for my own paths to follow, independence, truth..all these foolish things that are underestimated. more than anything, i need to find my own way again. it took so long to find my fascination again - knowledge, dance, travel, personal philosophy, courage..ah, and i read again! it's so wonderful to be interested in just...things. i've also realised that i have no distinct narrative inside me, there is nothing that constructs my mess into order and synchronisation..just colours, images, little details. perhaps this is my story, scattered along the paths i leave behind me.

could we do it right?

"life is not a dream. beware. and beware. and beware." and so many think because then happened, now isn't. but didn't i mention the ongoing "wow" is happening right now? we are all co-authors of this dancing exuberance where even our inabilities are having a roast. we are the authors of ourselves, co-authoring a gigantic dostoevsky novel, starring clowns. this entire thing we're involved with called the world, is an opportunity to exhibit how exciting alienation can be. life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments, flabbergasted to be in each other's presence. the world is an exam to see if we can rise into direct experience. our eyesight is here as a test to see if we can see beyond it. matter is here as a test for our curiosity. doubt is here as an exam for our vitality. thomas mann wrote that he would rather participate in life than write 100 stories. giacometti was once run down by a car, and he recalled falling into a lucid faint, a sudden exhilaration, as he realized that at last something was happening to him. an assumption develops that you cannot understand life and live life simultaneously. i do not agree entirely. which is to say i do not exactly disagree. i would say that life understood is life lived. but the paradoxes bug me, and i can learn to love and make love to the paradoxes that bug me. and on really romantic evenings of self, i go salsa dancing with my confusion. before you drift off, don't forget. which is to say, remember. because remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting. in that same poem it said that the iguana will bite those who do not dream. and as one realizes that one is a dream figure in another person's dream, that is self awareness.


things are changing. with the new year just around the corner anticipation and excitment is building. ive been on a rollercoaster ride the last few months, not knowing exactly where it is i would end up. but i am actively making changes to better my outlook. i had a nice time with a nice boy and that is done now. that is what i choose to remember. a lesson well learnt. hey death, you aint got me yet..

play russian roulette as we kiss

guts out everywhere. i haven't been this sick in so long, but i have a roof, a bed and a lot of time to think. drifting again, i must write the stories from the ends of the earth, stories from the depths of my heart. im looking forward to christmas, ice cream, beach hats and long days with just laughter and music. and i am thankful for all of this, even though it hurts so much i have lived extraordinary things these past years. i must find new ways to feel again, find the courage i had when i lived in the woods, find ways to write a story everyday, to communicate without words. i must find the way to see my hands in my dreams. to add colours to every experience, every moment. to stop being so stubborn over the smallest things.. we're way past inappropriate.

tomorrow i am sending away my application to the australian red cross to volunteer in the yconnect? programs. gym on thursday with karli. life is picking up. a decision needs to be made soon - will i have the guts? i can't be your saving grace.

the world doesn't stop just because i do.

poisoned

i need somewhere for the quixotic and the senseless and the raw and the hushed things to go.

i can't seem to properly grow into what i am supposed to be. all my parts are so counter to one another. so unalike and so horribly mashed into the same shifting body that i couldn't tell you which face i was wearing at what time. when god put me together he left something out.

the truth hurts more than lies.

stolen wings and evil ways

words fall out in hurried piles. they don't have coherency, these days. my body aches and creaks with every painful movement. i'm sure it's just a physical reaction to mental pain. everyone is kicking goals, and i sit at home and stare at the ceiling for hours on end.

this vapid life has lost its bright lustre. ill never be able to save myself from myself.

anxiety

i was overwhelmed so i started to write, the dead weight of memory, page after page after page until some of the grief was expelled from my heart. i was still overwhelmed so i sang in the shower, song after song after song until some more of the grief was expelled from my heart. and still i went to sleep with a heavy heart. for me change, passing from one thing to another, is a partial death. a part of us dies. the sadness about its dying or passing away cannot but touch my heart. i do what i do because i don't know how to be someone else.

he said he loved me, the magic word. it was supposed to make everything light up and be fixed. ill never trust that word again. i let whatever was in me that still needed you, need.

maybe we carried each other? maybe even forgiveness is without resolution.

destiny

i love smooth words, like gold-enamelled fish
which circle slowly with a silken swish,
and tender ones, like downy-feathered birds:
words shy and dappled, deep-eyed deer in herds,
come to my hand, and playful if I wish,
or purring softly at a silver dish,
blue persian kittens fed on cream and curds.

i love bright words, words up and singing early;
words that are luminous in the dark, and sing;
warm lazy words, white cattle under trees;
i love words opalescent, cool, and pearly,
like midsummer moths, and honied words like bees,
gilded and sticky, with a little sting.

i am blessed, i need to learn to accept and embrace it.

hope, like feathers and stones and sea glass. hope, like the little things we pick up and drop into our pockets. hope, because although it seems like the pain of it, the weight of it, will never leave completely, it will. hope, because the only way to know this is to live this and i will!
ps. this summer i want to learn how to surf.

through the looking glass

alice - "would you tell me please, which way i ought to go from here?"
cat - "that depends a good deal on where you want to get to?"
alice - "i don't much care where"
cat - "then it doesn't matter which way you go"
alice - "so as long as i get SOMEWHERE"
cat - "oh you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough"

i do not want to get out of bed in the morning. sometimes when i am doing things i feel as though my heart is deliberately calling out to me. almost like a little voice. not my conscience but my heart, whispering, this is where you belong. i haven't had this in a while now. i feel like my soul is intrinsically tied to the earth, that my roots are buried deep within the soil & my soul exists outside of me, all around me in the wind. i am completely and utterly alone. i want to fall asleep, and wake up with our bodies entwined.

dying notes

im afraid to think - how many years will i spend trying to remember?

my faith has been restored in humanity. if only temporary, i want to remember. its in the blood.

fall back down

we run the streets on the last of our days when the sun has long faded into storybook forever and the pages of hours closed with must. but we continue, break thought he appendixes and index and glossary and the hard cover stretches in blue space before us--the final frontier!--just to stick our tongue out at god.