course 101 in spiritual ruin

So here i am in slightly better shape than yesterday, though my head still hurts after days of indulgence which exceeded all others previously. I feel somewhat chagrined to note that I do these things in a kind of penance, to earn my karmic stripes of a sort. I've always held this belief that suffering makes people more intricate as a personality, that kind of hidden darkness behind the wry smile has always appealed to me.

The indulgence has often come from a sense of guilt though I haven't quite found out what I feel guilty about yet, everything I guess, but then nothing as well. Its funny though but this whole atonement through self destruction is kind of redundant when I really need to be reconciling with myself. The thing is though there has always been a sense of clarity and perspective afterwards, an energy to assist the deconstruction and renewal of aspects of myself that I don't like.

I've taken it too far now. I've learnt.

internal sunshine

I am at a point of fair satisfaction with life which makes a nice change to the current despair i've been feeling the past week or so. I attribute this to the fact that i am making decisions to correct the elements of my existance which frustrate me somewhat.

Weekend: anticipation builds as I can't wait to unleash and go psycho disco country madness. Though, concern mounts as things aren't falling into place like I hoped. We'll see. If anything, escaping the repetition of Melbourne will be enough.

Anyway, i've been wanting to jump out of a plane for a while now. Someone come with me. Please?


word of the moment : obeisance

curiosity killed the cat.

Sometimes it seems that there are common characters in life its just the person playing that character changes, like doctor who. Just mannerisms and idiosyncrasies tend to repeat themselves.

If there is a fate of sorts guiding things then wouldn't life seemed somewhat scripted? Does existance only serve as a system of attributing meaning to concepts? Does a person maintaining a concept that life is spiritual have a more meaningful existance than one who believes only in absolutes? What is the true value of a person, in what way can a person be measured and assessed on their accomplishments?


Today is a good day.