slowly falling apart.

at the brimming age of twenty one years with my hopeful outlook, the effect of my (sometimes bastard) father would be seen as quite ridiculous. but it remains. i can't even produce a word worth remembering since his image wrecked out before me. my paranoia is inflamed, my joints are acidic and heavy like i'm carrying snarling bombs about to be dropped on something extraordinary somewheresomehow.. and that the extraodinary has not yet revealed itself and will be destroyed before i ever have a chance to witness it and everything i held sacred has been fucked on by my mind.
so long, clarity!


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just another number, sweetheart

its continually a great surprise to me that i am not invincible to time.

i'm a little afraid i could be frozen in this moment forever. this moment isn't bad, exactly. the window is open and the air is on my face. but the life is not roaring and tearing at me, and that is worrying indeed. something drastic and perhaps stupid must happen or be performed. drastically stupid.

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you have your ideology and i have mine

but its so strange now, even though i know that it is undoubtedly good and sane to leave, to not have that same intimacy anymore, that which breathes fire and gurgles in the face of despairs and joys alike.

a curse. i can't have one thing without wanting the opposite.

stop smiling, you're stealing my heart

i am foolish in my present state. laughing till my stomach hurts, dreaming every night, trying to thaw the mind.

i can't express how excited i am for this year, this month, this week, tomorrow.

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hurry is a sickness of ours

after days...maybe, i am beginning to be good to myself. no more cutting the heads off of hope! we need all we can get. beach days, laying and watching the birds fly out into the falling sun, shivering with frozen slurpees, planning...always planning the future move, new ways of laughing at despair. idleness, a kind of silver betrayal that will be fruitful in time. maps of ideas and thoughts and ways to itch and scratch away at something greater. america, morocco, sevilla...lands of the flamenco.

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i've seen the sunrise with new eyes

"i arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. this makes it hard to plan the day."


i don't want to spare another breath that isn't directed, meaningfully. i don't want to have a wasted life. i never want to be cynical or jaded. i have the chance to be incredible, to do and see tremendous things, to meet the greatest people on earth and be with those already great that are around me. god is wherever you want it to be. and its inside me and has became me or i have became it. it doesn't matter.. this chance is not infinite, it will fade away with time.

pikey-porn

the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another like pearls slipping off a string.