he came to me amongst the alcoholic whispers of the night, when lashes flutter with thoughts unbridled. took my hand and lead me down a winding path to a dark garden. he turned to me delicately placing one soft kiss upon my lips. the look cast into my eyes was tender and though no words were spoken the moment seemed bittersweet and spoke to me of goodbyes -- no more.
as the inexorable passage of time continues its course I realize that I have less and less to say or more correctly less of what I can say. i've always wanted to embrace a certain mystery. i often think that I would happily give up my humanity in exchange for the secrets of the universe. maybe I still would, I don't know. there is a lot of uncertainty hovering about and rather than making me sad, it just makes me cold inside. the best word would be obdurate I think. well, I like it so ill use it. it also strikes me that happiness is something as contrived and redolent with artifice as the satan bunny or jesus claus. my vocabulary is sodomizing me.
"im not the kind of guy that enjoys one-night stands. it leaves me feeling very empty and cynical. its not even fun sexually. i need to feel something for the women and entertain the vain hope that it may lead to a relationship" - ben affleck
i want to be in love.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
harmony - some people are just better at pretending
"this will be the year without fear, the year of finishing what i've begun.
i've always felt ill-prepared in everything i've done: friendships, school, jobs, relationships, projects, self-improvement, understanding the world around me. as a girl I made the unfortunate mistake of believing adults when they told me I was smart, and I glided by on that momentum for far too long, bewildered when it somehow failed me. i've ran from challenges that frightened me. i've weaseled my way out of obstacles i should have met head-on. i've deluded myself into believing what was convenient. i've been speechless around people I should have listened to. i've gotten lost in the moment, only to somehow believe that it was the bigger picture.
i'm sorry. that doesn't even begin to make it right. but i'm sorry.
i started last year, but this year it's official. after months of searching i've located my spine, and my clear vision of what I want, who I want to be, and how to get there. i realize so many past misdeeds are a cause long lost and I can't even try to atone for them, so I will leave them where they are, but I won't let them happen again either."
i sit here realizing that this year has been my year. certain fuckups are no reflection on the person ive become. i am not a bad person. i am living. my life is good.
"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement."
i've always felt ill-prepared in everything i've done: friendships, school, jobs, relationships, projects, self-improvement, understanding the world around me. as a girl I made the unfortunate mistake of believing adults when they told me I was smart, and I glided by on that momentum for far too long, bewildered when it somehow failed me. i've ran from challenges that frightened me. i've weaseled my way out of obstacles i should have met head-on. i've deluded myself into believing what was convenient. i've been speechless around people I should have listened to. i've gotten lost in the moment, only to somehow believe that it was the bigger picture.
i'm sorry. that doesn't even begin to make it right. but i'm sorry.
i started last year, but this year it's official. after months of searching i've located my spine, and my clear vision of what I want, who I want to be, and how to get there. i realize so many past misdeeds are a cause long lost and I can't even try to atone for them, so I will leave them where they are, but I won't let them happen again either."
i sit here realizing that this year has been my year. certain fuckups are no reflection on the person ive become. i am not a bad person. i am living. my life is good.
"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement."
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