fur, feathers, leather & lace: obsessed

"glamour is what makes a man ask for your telephone number. but it also is what makes a woman ask for the name of your dressmaker"

if god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining

do you ever think it's crazy how the past is not concrete and existing is just memories in peoples minds? everything only exists in reality, in this moment now.

would

beauty still takes precedence over most other attributes.

fuckyou:)

in the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make.

highschool

"i wonder if people are going to remember us?"

lost myself several thousand times in this lifetime, but this time has had a hollow like never before. time throttles me. i cannot stand it despite any wisdom that comes my way. it will continue to tease me, mock me, tickle me. it's more, of course, an absence that suddenly exposes time, its grandeur, its teeth. makes me want to go to the ends of the world to escape it. far far far north, away from everything, to confront all that is inside of me. try to always be true, in some way. but what is true?

thanks to those words that have returned to me, reminding me that i have the ability to find clarity, even if i am too foolish to truly grasp it.

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i'm now 22

i thought growing up was something that happened automatically as you got older. but it turns out it's something you have to choose to do.

http://kjmkjmkjmkjm.blogspot.com

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well i just dance the way i feel

you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.


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http://www.newscientist.com/special/13-more-things

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you're a stonefox

i have not a thing to say about this that hasn't been said by someone, more eloquently. i keep coming back to the thought that my messy little cut-&-paste collage of a life makes this awkward. i'd like to show him how i am when i'm not feeling misplaced and compromised and stifled. i want to bring him closer, but not into this. not these speech bubbles filled with nuances about my dispassionate, ordered days. i actually give a damn enough now to be bothered by the notion that someone i care about has to see such a limited view of me.

i dream of leaving and endings so much that when they come, it's no surprise. i'm going to be a gypsy soon. toodles.

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typical

The third sign of the zodiac is Gemini. The sign for Gemini is the Twins and it suits the Gemini personality perfectly. Geminis are well known for their dual nature. They seem to be constantly struggling to reconcile the two opposite and distinct parts of their personality. Because of their dual nature, they adapt well to new settings and make friends very easily.

However, Geminis find it hard to have an opinion about a certain topic because they are very good at seeing and understanding both sides of any situation. For example, they may disagree with abortion, yet sympathize with women who have them. This constant changeability causes many Geminis to be quite impulsive and impatient at times.

Geminis also love to talk. Because of this, and perhaps in part because of their impulsive behaviour, Geminis are usually the life of the party. They are lively and energetic as well as versatile and intellectual. Their minds are always working, which often results in them telling people what they are thinking. Their wit and humour attract people and because Geminis are such fun to be with, they are often surrounded by many loyal friends throughout their lives.

Geminis have a natural curiosity of all that is around them. This can be a positive thing, in that Geminis know a little about everything and are not shy about giving their opinion. Geminis are most unhappy when stuck in what they feel is a rut. It is not uncommon for Geminis to have several careers throughout their lives (as they get bored with one occupation). This restlessness can also cause many Geminis to have several lovers throughout their lives.

Because Geminis are such great communicators and their minds crave information, they love to know the latest news and gossip and enjoy being able to share it with others. Because they are such good communicators, they are frequently sought out by those seeking advice. However, because Geminis are so talkative, some may fear they are not able to keep secrets they are told in confidence.

Geminis love any means of communication, be it by the pen, computer, telephone, or face to face. Geminis gravitate to the arts such as acting, music, writing because they are so good at communication. Because of their great skills, Geminis are often able to persuade people to do almost anything.

Weaknesses
Geminis are so sharp and quick, wanting to learn all they can, it can be a weakness. Their superficiality often leads them to skim things rather than exploring them in any depth. Geminis may be the true "Jack of all trades, master of none" because of their short attention spans. Both male and female Geminis love to be social and charm the opposite sex. A Gemini's gregarious and fun loving nature can often be misinterpreted and they are often seen as flirts and teases. Geminis may be hard to pin down in a relationship as they crave change and freedom to come and go as they please.

Because Geminis are quick to act and talk, they may become frustrated with other signs that are not as quick to act.

Parts of the Body Ruled By Gemini
Hands, arms, shoulders, and lungs - Geminis may be susceptible to strains involving the arms and shoulders and may be prone to respiratory illnesses.

Famous Gemini's

Actors/Entertainers
Clint Eastwood
Marilyn Monroe
Johnny Depp
Judy Garland
Sir Lawrence Olivier
Bob Hope
John Wayne
Musicians/Singers
Paul McCartney
Prince
Dean Martin
Lenny Kravitz
Bob Dylan

Writers
Harriet Beecher Stowe
Walt Whitman
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Iam Fleming

Politicians
John F. Kennedy
George Bush

Geminis can be very lively and exciting, but they also can be impatient if you cannot keep up with their frenzied thoughts. They make wonderful friends because there is never a dull moment, however, as lovers, they may be fickle if they get bored.

Gemini has more than one personality, which can change in a flash, and those near to them would do well to learn them both. On and off, up and down, back and forth, black and white, day and night, ying and yang - this is the essence of the Gemini personality.

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why should i settle for less than i want?

lately i feel like i'm stuffing everyone's eardrums (not to mention countless empty spaces in my day) with glum mumbles. i've been using 'fickle' and 'jaded' to describe myself ever since i learned what they meant.

more often than is comfortable lately, i've been going through periods of withdrawing further into myself. my friends are great, work is good, life is nice. but i can't settle for just great or nice or good. i want to move to a city i can properly explore and meet people with stories, who genuinely like the same things i like and have something to teach me. i want to be in awe and i want to stop recycling moments. i want to breathe easy.

what i mean is, i want to start over. at the same time, there's a tiny list of aspects i want to keep-- not for comfort or security, but because i can't presently wrap my mind around being through with them. not just yet..

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i've got better things to do, than worry about some scene

i'm happy. for now i shall only post some of my favourite poetry. i love writings of great loves, humanity and artists illistrations of humankind. maybe i'll write again, maybe i won't. i wish to remain elusive, for the time being...

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overwhelmed by hatred

lately i have a temper. him and i lay on my bed, fingers entwined, and i pillow-whispered, "i'm sorry". i grow more and more like my dad each year. maybe worse, maybe, because my hot-flash temper is backed up with vocubulary.

i made this list:
1. i am suffering from intense creative jealousy - jealousy is such a wasted emotion.
2. i am pining after summer and long wasted days.
3. i need change - i am comfortable with change.
4. i want love and nothing less.
5. i have the urge to run. again - it's what i do.
6. i need clarity - guardian angel, muse, inspiration, something, where art thou?

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life is too short not to be happy

jonathan swift said, "may you live all the days of your life!" that is such a beautiful thought.

i read back all these foolish words i've written by the side of the street, lost in the grass, gravel, coffee shops, industrial cities, the streets of outter melbs, supermarkets, roofs, pouring with what i want to be; restlessness, desire, hopes, joys, sadness, depression. and i adore it all, no matter how foolish i may have been, how lost in ideals and surrounded with lonesome rats, sweating ghosts out of the pores of my skin. singing a song just for me. and i hope it'll never cease.

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my greatest fear is that i will never be free

this journal is brashly, unapologetically, wholly about me. my prurient nature, my wayward thoughts, my restless and blurry and delicious and uncertain hours. with as much soul and candidness as i can muster. i've created few of these since age fourteen, and with each one, the self-censorship diminishes a bit more.

i feel as if i am brimming, always producing and hoarding more love inside me. professionally, there is no release. giggles, ivory elephants, rainbows, feathers, bohemian, glitter, melodrama, fingers entwined... none of it moves me like i know it should. i will search this world honestly, searching for something deserving of the volumes of love i know i have within me. i promise to find something i love doing.

my writing about writing is half cracking up at myself for being a twenty-one year old girl who can't seem to think about much else. in the midst of my vices and plans and doubts and routines, somehow there is always this.

3 words

here i am, trying to be ethical. but you probably don't even realise it. goodness me.

here is my confession. i want very badly for someone new to come into my life and take me by surprise. so here's to that future someone who wants the same things i do.

no fucking deal

ever.

ugly beautiful city

losing yourself is sort of difficult when a city knows you by name. often times, when i feel the need to disappear on some afternoon, i bring myself to a place where nobody ever seems to know (much less see) me. despite endless patrols of custodial workers, it's perpetually filthy and dim. a sort of invisible indoor pollution seems to fill the spaces between moving bodies. i never catch eyes, or faces really. just hoops, studs, chains, cheap tattoos of stars and roses. just wigs, weaves, cornrows, caps. just gold teeth, missing teeth, sharp teeth. just sweatpants, jeans, sometimes suits (with cases and always hurrying, naturally). boys whistle and drawl come-ons, loudly, to no female in particular. girls shout at each other, or back at whichever boys, through stands and down staircases and into stores. the bums rest, the elderly shuffle and all over the place, there are babies. babies in bellies and in strollers and in the skinny arms of young mothers who can barely hold them up. at once there is always a medley of cash register chimes and cellphone clamor and rolling wheels and clicking heels and muddy versions of english or other languages altogether. then some soft rock ballad, out of place and stubbornly droning on over all of it. there are stands of flowers. limp and vivid bouquets that nobody ever seems to buy. there are greasy food stands, too, where teenage boys pay with hundred dollar bills, evidently proud of what they did to obtain them. i lose myself here among the worn and the browbeaten and the unashamed. but i'm not one of them, no matter how dejected i feel. down below there are trains to move me away from the colorful, sad mosaic tiles and fluorescent lights and the scent of dirty mops. standing on the platform at the end of these days, it always occurs to me how goddamn lucky i am.

the sky is truly incredible in autumn out over the buildings, the trees, our ugly beautiful city.

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all the crazy shit i did tonight, those will be the best memories

to have no more than is necessary. the only luxuries - warmth in the winter and inspirations all around me. the occasional bottle of wine. to be foolish and make reckless great mistakes through idealism and a thirst. a threat to comfort, boundaries, kings, beggars, puppeteters. i'll steal your soul for a taste.

to keep writing like we're coming closer. to create ideas infinitely, worlds breaking off the points of fingertips, gnobbly knees, dirty worn feet, failing eyes, my crooked nose, out of my ears, for these throbbing shimmering worlds to be full of me, and i up to the brimm of them. to that endless sense of wonder, of re-examination of everthing around us. hands like restless hopes.
to this; to you, to how far we've come.

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http://www.formspring.me/littlekirrily

dear rhiana,
stop talking about me already. this is all i will say on the matter.
from kirrily

keep my lips sealed tight when the kiss come

so much is static, but at least i'm not trying to make anything seem like anything. i'm softer and meaner and smaller and more sober than before, maybe that's it. or consistency is reserved for consistent people and i should not demand things that i wouldn't know what to do with.

you feel eternity in the most obscure places

if i could tell you where i was now, i'd tell you i'm broken in floating light and sometimes i just don't know how to keep feeling it. i have the overwhelming desire to be with wonderful, warm people.

i have the soul of someone too young and too old or too full of infinity.

note to self: never update blog when wasted.

bullshit is usually the cause of bullshit and i wont listen

there is a madness that dwells at my centre, where the incessant drumming of my pulse echoes. here, words collide and crumble, contradict and collapse upon each other. i cannot settle for ordinary or handle ordinary because somewhere there are explorers sleeping on the floors of deserts and jazz musicians playing ’til sunrise. there are madmen jumping out of aeroplanes and vagabonds falling asleep nestled in public parks. i’m convinced that there is a place in this here and now, this year and century, this wide fucking world for visionaries who have cocktail teaparties on balconies. for scholars and raconteurs who make each other dizzy with debate and live atop ever-growing piles of literature. for poets who seclude themselves for countless hours at a time to mull over a single sentence. for gypsies and warriors who sleep only when their bodies collapse in exhaustion, but never defeat. for bleary-eyed romantics who indulge in behaviors that cut ten years off their lifespans and add ten paragraphs to their life stories. i’m convinced that existance is more than a waiting room packed with tabloid magazines that clutter the mind, colorless, easy to swallow, f.m radio, sex in the missionary position types of people. when i tune out all the world’s clutter and filler and smalltalk, i hear the faint echo of fireworks. every day is spent trying to find their source. and someone to share it with.

i put too much stock in sincerity, i think

my stomach does somersaults for about the millionth time. i want to write in this way. i mean, i want my soul to resound through every single sentence. a soul, to me, has always been bound to frilly religious nonsense about angels and devils and afterlives. but whitman's made me disagree ("dismiss what insults your own soul", so forth) and lately i've had these moments, these pinpricks against a part of me that i often forget about. sometimes it stirs to life on a hot afternoon in the shade, when i'm sitting indian style in the grass with shoes flung aside. i get a giddy swell from park life rustling and chattering, from the sight of autumn leaves and rows of park benches. each an island unto itself, with endless combinations and varieties of inhabitants. i've got a soul in here, no doubt. it needs to be beckoned and drawn out, is all.

i keep wondering if anything truly sinks in. if i could view my days as a time-lapse movie, i don't think i'd want all this. enough of this mulling over what i'm full of, capable of, meant for. this life is more than transitions. things are incredible. i'll be damned if i'm going to curse this year away. i'm learning and growing. in travel the skin of my fingertips shall become as the sea and i'll love harder than i can breathe. this year, i will.

i am heaven sent

when i stand before god at the end of my life, i would hope that i would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "i used everything you gave me."

i miss and long for the road. i miss the transference of ideas, thoughts, motions - the pressure to feel courage constantly. the idea of progression through physical movement. but for now these are my tests and they froth, spit and burn out to the everyday weight of discovery. can we become more than this? does anyone long for it anymore? all the routines shall become corpses in the way of our lust for enlightenment, movement, a revitalised sense of being. less philosophy on stupidity.

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drink you all up

when the music is cut and the aftersound roars, animals calling, scurrying. that immortal feeling as everything seems to be floating before you, like you're breaking out, cutting off a rotting vein, clear unbroken silence. filled with wine like a city of skeletons dancing softly through my skin, feel them lurching, calling out down my legs, the beat, wardrum, soul dark sky. the wholly magnificence of strolling through the dark night, reverberating strums of guitars plunged into ears, i'm drunk, drunk on the sound under my feet on memories, touches of skin.

we can be anything, hands grasped, intoxicate overdose on hope. simple great joys.

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slowly falling apart.

at the brimming age of twenty one years with my hopeful outlook, the effect of my (sometimes bastard) father would be seen as quite ridiculous. but it remains. i can't even produce a word worth remembering since his image wrecked out before me. my paranoia is inflamed, my joints are acidic and heavy like i'm carrying snarling bombs about to be dropped on something extraordinary somewheresomehow.. and that the extraodinary has not yet revealed itself and will be destroyed before i ever have a chance to witness it and everything i held sacred has been fucked on by my mind.
so long, clarity!


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just another number, sweetheart

its continually a great surprise to me that i am not invincible to time.

i'm a little afraid i could be frozen in this moment forever. this moment isn't bad, exactly. the window is open and the air is on my face. but the life is not roaring and tearing at me, and that is worrying indeed. something drastic and perhaps stupid must happen or be performed. drastically stupid.

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you have your ideology and i have mine

but its so strange now, even though i know that it is undoubtedly good and sane to leave, to not have that same intimacy anymore, that which breathes fire and gurgles in the face of despairs and joys alike.

a curse. i can't have one thing without wanting the opposite.

stop smiling, you're stealing my heart

i am foolish in my present state. laughing till my stomach hurts, dreaming every night, trying to thaw the mind.

i can't express how excited i am for this year, this month, this week, tomorrow.

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hurry is a sickness of ours

after days...maybe, i am beginning to be good to myself. no more cutting the heads off of hope! we need all we can get. beach days, laying and watching the birds fly out into the falling sun, shivering with frozen slurpees, planning...always planning the future move, new ways of laughing at despair. idleness, a kind of silver betrayal that will be fruitful in time. maps of ideas and thoughts and ways to itch and scratch away at something greater. america, morocco, sevilla...lands of the flamenco.

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i've seen the sunrise with new eyes

"i arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. this makes it hard to plan the day."


i don't want to spare another breath that isn't directed, meaningfully. i don't want to have a wasted life. i never want to be cynical or jaded. i have the chance to be incredible, to do and see tremendous things, to meet the greatest people on earth and be with those already great that are around me. god is wherever you want it to be. and its inside me and has became me or i have became it. it doesn't matter.. this chance is not infinite, it will fade away with time.

pikey-porn

the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything splendid or wonderful or exciting happens, but those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another like pearls slipping off a string.

thankyou

"you live life like a feather, randomly wondering along the breeze with no perception of where you are heading and because of that i love you"

i will be there to hold your hair back

it was past midnight. you can't sense the night here, only feel it upon the outlines of their faces, their sunken eyes, their footsteps dancing or turning into the ground they tread. but some make me grin and i have only time for those that make me grin, now. the city wails and swishes around me. i am drunken and i am strong.

the lights shimmer and shudder into me. all i want is a quiet place to read, a place to hold hands - to laugh with friends and a rooftop to see the sunset. dreams can only pollute. i keep my eyes fixed, hush out all thoughts. the heart is strongest above all things. i want the best for the ones i love.

you are alive, little miss, you are alive and your leg is caught in the window. what can you be? what can you be inside naked skin, beyond the guts, tangled with thoughts and desires and hopes? you can be anything, but your foot is stuck; drunken defeat, awash with the world. break out, reinvent, rediscover. please?

the life, suddenly, without warning, is whole again. loneliness, despair, the fight with the ego, movement, colours... all will lose its charm. i promise. what will settle in its place? i will wait to define it, but it is good and true.. it's all i know.


*put all excuses aside and remember this: YOU are capable

in the sky

nobody breaks my heart - effy stonem

you can take anything if you want it enough.


now you know.

free stereosonic tickets

thank you stranger at work. it's not important that this day resulted in losing my voice :)

katias 21st